Empty On The Inside (And Not In The Good Way)

For all the people who read this (nobody) I just wanted to reassure you that the nonexistent posting lately is due to me having no laptop. I've been meaning to update with my phone, but I am so absorbed in my own issues right now.
One of those issues is my problems with myself. I hate, and I mean hate, how I act. I'm so loud and I take up so much space! I hate myself. I can't even stop eating long enough to try and deal with that.
I hate dragging people into my problems, but I started this blog and so help me I will see it through.
I debated taking a handful of Nyquil, just to see if anybody would notice. I didn't even have the guts. What a punk, right?
Here's to no calories tomorrow!

Intro!!!!!!

Okay, so first post. Here we go. I'm so ready to do this.

Nevermind, I'm so not ready for this. I have no idea what to say. I mean, what constitutes a good first post? I guess that I'll start with the stats because that seems to be the only thing that remains constant on these kind of blogs.

Height: 5'11/1.524

Weight: Now this is going to sound crazy, but I have no idea. I know what you're going to say, and yes, I do know that I am possibly the only person with a pro-ana (I don't think that's the right word for this) blog and no scale. Last I checked though, I was 160/72.5748. Gross. That is the weight of a sumo wrestler who had to leave the professional circuit due to obesity related health concerns.

BMI: 22.3.

Now, other than stats, I have nothing else for my introduction. Wait, I totally forgot: Goals!

I have 3 very important goals.

1. 155/68.0389
2. 145/65.7709
3. 136/61.6886 (UGW!)

These all sound achievable, right?

Now that you all know the basics, I'm free to get on with my griping about calories. Today I went to the beach with my family, like I've done for the past 2 days.

I.

Love.

The.

Beach.

It goes deeper than the water or sunshine (both of them awesome) and makes me feel good somewhere deep inside. About cellulite deep. It's so cool how you can go to the beach and spend all day running around and swimming and never feel like it's exercise. I had planned to eat nothing at all, but my cousin had a few peppers with her Mexican food. I remembered reading somewhere that peppers were good for the metabolism, so down the hatch it went. Something that I didn't exactly count on for some reason, was that peppers were made by Satan himself. I spent 5 minutes doing my best dragon impersonation before I caved and had a bite of carne asada fries to cool down the inferno in my mouth. That didn't work, so I shoved a chip in there.

I wasn't exactly sure of how many calories that was, so I rounded the whole thing up to about 70 for the day, including my three mints. I feel good right now.

In an effort to make my readers feel included, I've decided to include a little question in this post. Do you think that you round calories up or down? When in doubt, I always bring my calories up by a bit. Please, I really do want to hear from you.

 

 



Shouting Matches

I might end up getting to a proper first entry later, but right now isn't the best time. My cousin just blew up at me and I don't even know how to feel about it. She's been trying to ring the anorexia bell lately and I'm like, "Eww, shut up. I'm not even anorectic." And the worst part is that I'm not even lying when I say that. An anorectic is all slim lines and grace. I'm pretty sure that the only slim line on me is my eyes when I narrow them at some food.
It escalated into her logging into my Blogger account and reading a post from Fat Piggy (love you!) and then shouting me down.
I was mad. Like, spitting mad. I followed her downstairs and she said that the people who write the blogs are stupid. That obviously didn't help my temper, so I told her off. Don't be coming at my virtual friends all crazy, you will get shut down!
Now I don't even know what to do. I want to binge because of how sad I am, but on the other (more attractive) hand I just want to lose even more weight. Not as a spite thing, Lord knows I spite her enough, but as a defense mechanism.
It's like how you don't hit people with glasses, but instead of hitting it's shouting, and instead of glasses it's prominent ribcages.
She doesn't even know how down this made me feel. I don't think that people really know how sensitive I am, but I am the biggest crybaby. I hate people saying mean things to me. It's so ingrained that I don't even like to cuss. I censor myself! What kind of monster would yell at somebody who bleeps out their own f-bombs?
Sorry about the rant, I know that it wasn't what you were expecting in a first post. I'll probably have a more traditional first post tomorrow. Maybe it was better this way. Now you know how crazy it gets when you go too far into the rabbit-hole.

Desolate,

Minty

EDIT: 380 calories later, it looks like things went the way of a binge.